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Elmore Leonard's 10 rules for writers - Learn It. Live It. Love It.

Do you get good Customer Service?

if you haven't already, you need to watch this exposé on CNN about human trafficking of Romanians - chilling and shocking.

back in the bay!

the theme for the end of the trip has been "Chafe."

CHAFES

1. after dealing with having our wallets stolen, Cody and I spend an hour on the phone trying to cancel cards.

2. Verizon, a sponsor of the Series, won't allow calls to 800 or 888 numbers from the game, possibly from the entire country. I have to call my wife and have her call and cancel the cards.

3. The Internet connectivity went down every game in the 6th inning and didn't come up until afterwards. So we were not able to do our thing until later - we headed to the field for the big bruhaha.

4. The game ended at about 12:30; add in the celebration on the field, the award presentations, the mulling around on the field, our search for our lost items, our frantic calls to the states, and our rush to put out stories for the final game, and it's well past 3AM.

5. We start to get pestered to leave after the after-party is over - they are persistent. We tell them we need to file one last post for Major League Baseball. They are not impressed. Doug is ready to take a swing at the big boss, who's yelling at us. Doug decides that it's not worth it and vows to file his report later that day. He then proceeds to bitch them out for being jerks and denying us the ability to do our jobs. They don't appear to understand English. They also dispute that the internet was ever down - competence is in short supply here. On the way out of the stadium, ALL the lights are out. I can't tell if it's a blackout or the end of the world. It's biblically black.

6. we then grabbed food at the Malecon - food was good, but the same guy we tipped generously two nights before tried the Gwailo gouge on us! Unbelievable - no good deed goes unpunished. Luckily Cody read the bill, or we might have overpaid by 12 or 13 cents.

7. after an exhausting few hours of packing, napping, and preparing, we got to the airport intact. My wait for the money-changing desk to open was in vain, and I decided, unfortunately, to change my pesos in the states.

8. said goodbye and many thanks to Doug, who helped us out after Cody and I got robbed and certainly didn't have to. Flight home was uneventful.

9. Changing money in JFK - instead of the 50 pesos to the dollar we got in the Dominican, JFK Money Gougers are buying them at 71! So now my 40$ becomes 25, just like that, AND they have the GALL to charge a $5.50 COMMISSION!!!! I want to open fire.

10. home, and the air smells different. Tearful reunions, and now I have to move into my new place.

CHAFES CONTINUED

11. moving - how completely ASS. Elaine says we don't need movers - wants to save some $$$$. SO After 3 days of moving a few loads a day, we plan to hit it hard on Sunday. I have 3 shifts of friends lined up. One with a truck, one to help with the TV, and one for the final stuff. The day begins at 8:30AM. I finally collapse into bed at 5:30AM.

12. My hands are bleeding, I broke some stuff, and the refrigerator broke, so all of our food is going to spoil.

BRIGHT SPOTS

1. Cody Monk, Dallas Morning News, et al. - What a great team we make, conquering the world, one third-world country at a time.

2. Enrique Rojas, AP et al. - Thanks to him and his lovely Mariella, we had a GREAT time in his beautiful country. He is a superstar in waiting, mark my words.

3. Doug Miller, MLB.com - Thanks to him for the great music, great help, and for getting my pics out to the world.

4. Ricardo Zuniga, AP - what a cool guy - I hope we can hook up soon. Sorry I couldn't get that pic of you and Tejada you wanted - I was busy getting robbed. Next time!

and for moving...

1. Jason Dommermuth - thanklessly hauled my crap for 11 hours. What a pal.

2. Dismas Hausner - drove 45 minutes each way to help me move - Gracias.

3. Frankie and Danny Nuñez - happiest father/son duo on earth - thanks for the life-saving truck and help.

SO now that chapter is done. On to the next adventure - Japan? China? Africa? Greece? Anything can happen - stay tuned for more - and for past pics!

Cody says, "reading the blog...i did act out Ronin up until the part where i failed miserably at the box office."

Cody got the shakedown again! - driving on the same coastal road. The "police" must troll this road looking for Gwailo. This time, however, Cody didn't stop when asked. The first car enlisted the help of a motorcycle "officer" whose only insignia was a shirt saying, "Ecuador Tae Kwon Do." Captain kickboxer pulled his motorbike in front of Cody's car to force him to stop. Then the first cop jumped into cody's car. The following ensued:

FIRST COP: Let's see your license.
(Cody holds it out in a vice grip)
SECOND COP: Take it out.
CODY: No way in hell.
FIRST COP: You weren't wearing your seatbelt.
(Cody's points to his fastened seatbelt, still securely around his torso.)
SECOND COP: You just did that - you weren't wearing it.
CODY: No way - I always wear my seatbelt.
FIRST COP: Okay, let's go to the station.
CODY: Okay - just let me call my friend.
FIRST COP: no. you can call him from the police station.
(Five minutes of arguing ensues)
FIRST COP: Okay, follow us to the station and we can work it out.
(Cody agrees)
(Cop car turns right. Cody makes an illegal left and then reenacts "Ronin." He is not followed.)

MORE HIGHLIGHTS:

1.) At the beach, we three educated men, sportsfans & citizens of the world, all got sunburned because no females were there to rub the sunscreen on our backs. The same rule that prevents men from peeing near one another and asking for directions when lost also prohibits the rubbing of any lotions, cremes, or balms into male flesh. So as I'm crying myself to sleep after taking an excruciating shower, I can take comfort in the fact that my masculinity is still intact.

2.) I haven't seen tv in 9 days and don't even remotely miss it. This place is the only reality TV you will ever need. The tribe has spoken.

3.) Cody driving like a maniac here in the D.R. - he's been pulled over for non-shakedown related left turns several times. Invoking baseball usually posts bail.

4.) I have to buy gifts for every damn person I know - I haven't had time to find the true dominican gifts. In a town that has the following: Pizza Hut, KFC, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, Domino's, Outback, Tony Roma's, Baskin Robbins, Haagen Dazs, Wendy's, and Home Depot, how are you supposed to find the real culture when ours is drowning it out? I hope my wife likes her Hello Kitty purse and tshirt from Wet Seal.

5.) Okay - actually I got my wife some Larimar. It's a beautiful stone that is only mined in the D.R. i bought it from a bitter Swiss expat who had super intense eyes and frowned a lot. http://www.larimarmuseum.com/ Don't give away the surprise!

6.) I am surprised by how my Spanish I understand. However, Cody's Spanish is ridiculous. He was a radio commentator for the home team during the playoffs. He appeared on local TV, national TV, and on venzuelan TV. He's been interviewed by many local papers, and by Verizon, a sponsor for the Series. All in Spanish. I bow before his Dragon.

7.) There is an American pitching coach here working for Licey. He always looks like Tom Berenger in Major League, frowning and shaking his head. He is baffled by the lax attitude the Dominicans have towards everything. He tells me that the Dominican Republic has 150 troops in Iraq, then says, "What the hell are they gonna do? I mean, What the HELL are they gonna do?" He always cracks us up.

8.) I voted for the Caribbean World Series All Star Team! I wonder if anyone will catch my votes for Moonlight Graham and Tom Selleck's character in "Mr. Baseball."

9.) Okay - here's a section that's a hot topic among those in attendance. REMINDER: I'm in love with my wife, and have been a very good boy on this trip. But I am still a man, and this place is remarkable. Cuba's main export is cigars, Jamaica's is reggae and Miss Cleo. Dominican Republic's should be Ass. I mean, this is The U.S.A. - United States of Ass. Round, hard asses. EVERYWHERE. Even the mannequins in the store windows have immense, perfect, cartoonish rumps. These assets are usually accompanied by others, equally round, and beautiful dark skin. The women here are incredible to look at. The level of talent here is unprecedented in all of my travels. Cody and I kept a count at the last two games, of only the STUNNING women who walked past our seats. Just the supermodel types. 27 yesterday and 26 so far this game. My wedding rings never left my finger. But as a man, an objective observer, I applaud you, Domincana!

10.) Reporters are dreading a tie-break game. most would have to change their travel plans. Even though it's paradise, it's tough to be away from home.

UPDATE:

The game is over, Dominican won (4-3, I think) and then everyone charged the field. I was there, taking pics and running around like a fool. I got some great shots of the crowd celebrating. The Dominican team, comprised of many major league all-stars, celebrated like they had won the real World Series. It was exhilarating and uplifting, until I met up with Cody. His wallet and cellphone had been stolen. His hand was in his pocket when someone reached in. He tried to elbow them, but when he moved just slightly, they were able to take the stuff out. As he told me this, I instinctively reached into my pocket. Yep, my wallet had been stolen too. My Driver's License and two credit cards were inside, along with receipts. luckily I had kept most of my money in another pocket, or like Cody said, we'd be handwashing windshields in the street.

The Shakedown!

last night on the way home we were stopped by the police. The officer then tried to bully us into paying a "fine" of some undetermined amount. He said we didn't have the right paperwork, then suggested that we'd need to pay "una multa." Cody played it exactly right, and eventually we were let go (without paying), but that was a very tense 8 or 9 minutes of arguing with a corrupt third-world cop.

things to remember:

1.) never give them your documents. If they get ahold of your license, you'll have to pay and pay to get it back. That's why cody held it out to the cop with two hands and didn't relinquish it. He learned this firsthand in mexico when his father came out from a gas station to find a cop had unscrewed and removed his license plate.

2.) never admit to anything. Don't be afraid to argue with them just because they are "the authorities." Be calm and firm - act like you know what you're talking about. When Cody asked the cop why he had pulled us over, the cop replied, "We pull everyone over at this time of night." Cody then fired back, "Bullshit! i don't believe you. In fact, you have a headlight out - we should pull YOU over!"

3.) Act important. We first told him we were scouts, which is usually a get-out-of-third-world-jail-free card. No dice this time. Luckily our friend here is Enrique Rojas, a sportscaster that EVERYONE knows. Cody dropped his name a couple of times, then the cop replied, "You can call him from the police station, unless you pay the fine." Cody said, "No - i'll call him from here!" he then pulled out his cellphone and began dialing. The cop didn't know that his phone was out of minutes and it wasn't going to work. Cody didn't panic, and pretended to try another number. It was at this point that the cop figured that we weren't going to easily pay, and gave up. how exciting.

4.) Play dumb, but not too dumb. Cody deliberately avoided telling the cop he had an apartment in Santo Domingo, instead saying we were staying with a friend. He began with the "Dumb Non-Español-Speaking White Guy" routine, but quickly backed off. If you're too dumb, they will try and bully you. If you're too smart, too native, then you should know the "rules" you are breaking - you'll get no slack.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:

1. During the Mexico-Puerto Rico game, a crazy old mexican fan ran onto the field waving an enormous flag of mexico. He quickly circled the bases as a lone security guy FOLLOWED him around, in lieu of cutting him off or meeting him at home. It played out like a rodeo clown act, the old man running at top speed to home plate and the Wile E. Coyote of Security trailing behind. As he crossed home, for some reason, fireworks began going off past the right field wall. The guy in the on-deck circle gave him a high five, then his pursuer helped him back into the stands! And that is exactly the kind of tournament, kind of people, and kind of place this is.

2. I fell asleep eating again. I was so exhausted, sleep-deprived, and sunburnt when I was eating chicken breast on the waterfront at 3AM that I started closing my eyes. Eventually I nodded off, but it must not have been for that long, because no one mentioned it. Do you know how strange it is to wake up with FOOD in your mouth?

3. We took our clothes to get washed same day. We came back a couple of hours later, during our only launch window, and they weren't ready. the reason? No electricity, of course. So tomorrow I'll pick up the clothes wearing a thong fashioned out of our flimsy shower curtains.

Sabotage!

every good thing must have flakes of something bad lodged inside of it, irritating and tormenting you for all eternity.

1.) yesterday a family emergency distracted me from this glorious country and event, causing me to miss the end of one game, the intermission, and the beginning of the next. I tried not to let it get me down, but what horrible timing. There will be repurcussions upon my return.

2.) this morning I got sunburned on my back. It got red immediately - does this mean i'm screwed?

3.) I haven't taken a great shot yet today - and the sunburn, motrin, and fatigue are taking their toll on my ability to do so.

OKAY - I listed the bad things first, because they're on my mind. I still watched a GREAT game last night, took some SWEET shots, and woke up in paradise this morning.

HIGHLIGHTS:

1.) after the game, Cody, some journalists and I went to a small place on the waterfront and got beers and a dish called Mofongo. They were out of almost everything, which wasn't surprising, since it was 4 AM.

2.) we woke up, scooped up Doug from MLB.com, and headed to Boca Chica for our day of swimming. The water was great, the food good, and the constant stream of men peddling trinkets and women selling pedicures was quite entertaining. Equally fun was the Mariachi Extortion Scheme.

3.) Having a motorcycle careen into our car at full speed, slamming into the window and driver side door. Both driver and passenger hit the ground with the bike. We slowed to a stop, turned around just in time to see the motorcycle pick itself up and drive away. Strange.

4.) One of Venezuela's fanaticos was so hot that she got her picture into every newspaper in town, and on a couple of websites. I might have accidentally taken her picture too. (Come on, I just follow the other photographers around and steal their shots - didn't you know that?)

5.) The Dominican team probably just clinched this round robin tournament with a homerun by their backup catcher. The place is going nuts. I expect coitus in the aisles before long.

6.) Photography is such a Penis Envy sport. the pros here from other publications or wire services have some mindboggling optics. How can I compete with that?

7.) I finally figure out how to adjust the shutter speed on the camera, so I can take some good action shots. I get pumped, and spend the next few hours trying to figure it out. I had to download the manual from Sony. bless you, internet.

8.) Electricity is VERY spotty here. And no power on our street means no water in the showers. I was trapped on a filthy 3rd world stadium crapper the other night when the lights went out. No lights and every surface is wet. I was waiting for Ashton Kucher to show up. It also means the connectivity here at the stadium can be spotty. We wasted a couple of hours last night wresting with the Internet connection and various computer issues. How come stuff always seems to break when you need it most? I thought computers were supposed to make things easier.

9.) This should really be number 1, but I'm lazy. We met the president of the Dominican Republic. Yep, you read that right. He's a funny guy, ergo this whole country reminds me of "Moon over Parador." His popularity is waning, probably due to #8 above. There were healthy boos for him at the opening ceremonies.

10.) There are seats available for every game, because the economic crisis is so bad, people can't afford to attend. I guess the $2 for bleacher seats would break the bank.

11.) Doug's music tastes are eclectic and surprising - I have a ton of new music to steal. Cody has beeen pirating music from the DR - I think that might actually be legal. Doesn't Kazaa have a gift shop here or something?

12.) one of the cleanup crew, an emaciated black girl, just asked me to give her some money - while she was working. I guess she only moonlights as a janitor.

13.) Mexican fans are CRAZY. They brought a band, dancers in native dress, a mariachi, a friar, and a fool with a megaphone. It was like a franchise of Sabado Gigante.

more later - two more days in paradise!

the pictures from this trip will be appearing in Al Dia, MLB.com, and the upcoming book on the Caribbean World Series by Cody Monk. Some are up already! (check out the Caribbean Galleries)

day one of the caribbean series - LOOOONG day! 9AM - 4:30AM.

Highlights

a. forgot one from yesterday - we plan to drive to Haiti, so we go to an internet Cafe to check if we need a visa. Turns out the State Department had issued a travel advisory. This almost didn't stop us.

1. attending the Caribbean World Series Hall of Fame Induction. Taking my first "event pics" and getting yelled at for blowing a shot for some other photogs. They played the theme for the Caribbean World Series and it sounds like a joke song Jimmy Fallon would make up.

2. watching and covering game one (Venezuela & Puerto Rico) the Bad News Bears could have competed in this game.

3. sitting through a 2-hour opening ceremony composed of each country's style of music and dance. then the president threw out the opening pitch. he looked like a school principal with a Porn collection, or like Jimmy Falwell on Paxil.

4. meeting Mikio, a Japanese sportswriter stationed in CUBA. Turns out he spends 4 months in Cuba, four in japan, and four travelling the world. Lucky stiff. I speak to him in Japanese, Spanish, and English. He's my new hero.

4. meeting Doug Miller, the Angels beat writer for MLB.com. Turns out he knows my other friend, Nick Hensley, when they worked at Quokka at the same time. small world. his friend has made a movie, and it sounds quite funny: http://www.hacksmovie.com check out the trailer.

5. watching game two of the series (Mexico and Dominican.) Every time the Dominican scores, it sounds like WWII has just ended.

6. I go to FOUR baños to find one with a toilet seat. And that one is in a stall that a) doesn't lock. b) is FILTHY and c) has no paper. But when Nature calls, she don't leave a message.

7. game two ends at 1:30am. i've been sweating profusely since 9:03AM. I recharged the Deodorant but it gave out around 10pm. not good.

8. after the game, we give Doug a ride to the waterfront, where we get some grub at a shack on the caribbean Sea. two turkey sandwiches, orange juice, a fanta, and two huge beers (El Presidente) for 9$. And that's a little more than normal.

9. we drop Doug off at 4:15 in the colonial zone. On the way home, we spot two horses in our neighborhood rummaging through trash. One had broken its rope and was dragging it. Freedom!

10. we get home, fully fermented after a day of pits, and the water is out. This is not surprising, since 3 out of my 5 nights here we have been without water. All of the other houses on the street are without power as well. Lights, however, are no comfort when your bed smells like a wet dog.

11. this AM we rolled out of bed at 10:30 to find no water again. good times. This makes for my 3rd "bucket shower." I'm getting good at transporting handfuls of water to nooks and crannies for cleaning. I killed a spider the size of a linebacker by the tub.

12. we ate at a Chinese restaurant near Sammy Sosa's fortress. I spoke to the owner in Cantonese. he's from Hong Kong, and came here to find work. I wonder if he got on the wrong boat. The food is good, but overpriced for the Dominican.

13. game 3 in progress now. the stadium food is GREAT - pizza by the slice for $1.10 and empanadas (dominican Calzones) for 80¢. The food in this country is so GOOD.

I got robbed!

what a CRAZY day - it's a long story; here is the summary - in a poor barrio, a kid yanked the camera out of my hands and took off down some alleys straight out of a Jackie Chan movie.

The story has a happy ending - I got the camera back, but the whole story is much more interesting - more on that later.

highlights
1. getting robbed, then getting the item back after the whole barrio rallies around me.

2. standing in the caribbean ocean

3. attending two birthday parties.

4. going to a Caribbean Casino and having the gambling night of my life, ending with a huge stack of chips worth $7.

5. going to San Pedro De Macoris, playing baseball on the beach with some kids, and watching some kid show me some karate moves (it seems a ton of domincanos study some fighting style.)

6. eating fried chicken at a restaurant in a gas station

7. getting my credit card denied - seems Morgan Stanley thinks the card might be stolen.

8. seeing some kids drinking at tables in a 7-11! you can go to the counter, get 5 gallons of unleaded, some Red Vines, and a triple shot of Vodka.

game one is about to start - more later!