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RIO TALEA, Mexico -- Alone in her one-room cabin high in the mountains of southern Mexico, Ines Ramirez Perez felt the pounding pains of a child insistent on entering the world.
    Three years earlier, she had given birth to a dead baby girl. As her labor intensified, so did her concern for this unborn child.
    The sun had set hours ago. The nearest clinic was more than 50 miles away over rough terrain and inhospitable roads, and her husband, her only assistant during a half-dozen previous births, was drinking at a cantina. She had no phone and neither did the cantina.
    So at midnight, after 12 hours of constant pain, the petite, 40-year-old mother of six sat down on a low wooden bench. She took several gulps from a bottle of rubbing alcohol, grabbed the 6-inch knife she used for butchering animals and pointed it at her belly.
    And then she began to cut.

Each day, 1 in 4 Americans visits a fast food restaurant

McDonald's feeds more than 46 million people a day - more than the entire population of Spain

French fries are the most eaten vegetable in America

You would have to walk for seven hours straight to burn off a Super Sized Coke, fry and Big Mac

In the U.S., we eat more than 1,000,000 animals an hour

60 % of all Americans are either overweight or obese

One in every three children born in the year 2000 will develop diabetes in their lifetime

Left unabated, obesity will surpass smoking as the leading cause of preventable death in America

McDonald's distributes more toys per year than Toys-R-Us

Diabetes will cut 17-27 years off your life

McDonald's calls people who eat a lot of their food "Heavy Users"

Most nutritionists recommend not eating fast food more than once a month

I think I would sell my body if the woman were to pay the right amount. Actually, if she's not half bad, I'll even give her half off, hell maybe even free. Damn, I'm horny.

I do a decent amount of drugs. Nothing too hard. I just have a feeling that I'm going to end up a heroin addict and die in an alley somewhere. The bad part is, that doesn't really bother me.

I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me so I purposely took off my condom during the middle of sex with her to get her pregnant. I then faked my death and moved to another state. Now the asshole that she was cheating on me with is raising my son as his own. I wish that I could have him back.

My girlfriend's going on Spring Break next week but I can't go. I'm calm and supportive about the whole thing. I ask questions, I helped her pick out swimsuits and I pretend to be excited for her. But deep down it's killing me. I'd forbid her to go but that just makes me look like an insecure asshole. She was telling me how she just met some dude from her school who's coordinating how they can all hang out over the week. I love her and trust her....but I'm getting worked up even now daydreaming about how I'm going to have to beat the absolute living shit out of some random cocksucker who only exists in my head. Oh yeah...she was a complete and total whore before I met her. There! I said it.

when i was 8 or so my 'best friend' told me that if i didnt have sex that 'my dick would be crooked forever' being 8 i believed him and i was suckered into gay sex with some horny 11 year old boy. i will never stop thinking about this, but at least i partially got it off my chest."

A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex.

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

"This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war."

"I'm bringing my shotgun, my bow and arrow, my four-wheel drive truck and four wheelers and run over him. It's going to be the ultimate battle. He's a warrior, and that's how I like to play when I step between the lines."

"yeah, we're strong-pointing the target center and securing the perimeter. concertina wire is rolled out. we've got two m-60's covering our flanks, and the claymores are set to our rear to prevent any sneak attacks. we've got the mh-6 little birds making strafing runs at enemy positions and ac-130's circling overhead to provide air support. i've got com links to the awacs in case we need some j-dam's dropped in"

THE SHRIMP WITH A KICK AS FAST AS A BULLET

Holidaymakers were warned yesterday to stay clear of a rare "kick-boxing" shrimp that delivers one of the most brutal blows in the animal kingdom - and it's in British waters. The mantis shrimps, whose swift underwater uppercuts are as powerful as a 0.22 calibre bullet, are normally found in warmer waters near the equator.

Although attacks on humans are extremely rare, bathers are being warned not to touch the creatures if they see any this summer. Robin James, a marine biologist, was left in agony by a tropical species the centre has imported.

He said the shrimps lay in wait for their prey before delivering an underarm punch with its blunt, hammer-like elbow.

Acting like a speeding bullet, the blow destroys its prey of rock oysters, clams and crabs immediately.

Equally, they can cause great harm to humans treading on them and they are even nicknamed "split toe" or "split thumb" shrimps in the Caribbean.

I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it "the terminator". First I crouch down in the shower in the classic "naked terminator traveling through time" pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the terminator theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless, cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It ruins the fantasy. I think maybe I read too many comic books when I was a kid...

City closes another alley due to the presence of fecal matter

Winslow News
During the regularly scheduled meeting Tuesday, April 27, the Winslow City Council unanimously approved the closure of the alley from Berry to Hicks Avenue, between Third and Fourth streets.

The council also unanimously approved payment of $1,200 for the cost of fencing off the alley. The matter came to the council's attention after Winslow citizen John Larson asked his neighbors to sign a petition to have the alley closed off due to human waste left in the alley.

Randall is survived by his second wife — who made him a father for the first time at age 77 — and their two children, 7-year-old Julia Laurette and 5-year-old Jefferson Salvini.

May 7, 2004 -- OAKLAND - Moises Alou has company when it comes to using his urine to toughen up his hands.
"I do it during the winter and spring training to keep my hands hard," All-Star catcher Jorge Posada said of the unorthodox skin conditioning program. "You don't want to shake my hand during spring training before practice."

Alou, a Cubs outfielder, Posada and Angels outfielder Vladimir Guerrero are the only three hitters in the majors who don't wear batting gloves. While it sounds unorthodox, older players apparently used urine to keep their hands tough and people who do field work in warmer climates use it to keep their hands from developing calluses.

Student government leaders at Harvard University want the university to remove male-female designations from restrooms in order to make them more inclusive toward students whose sexuality may be ambiguous, reports the Harvard Crimson.

Investigators say Andrews planned for weeks to kill Peace to get his hands on about $6,000 in savings and her 1995 Nissan pickup. According to the younger Byrd, he was supposed to strangle Peace but balked at the last minute so Andrews did it instead. The two put Peace's body in the bathtub and went out for pizza.

They eventually picked up Garrell Boyd who helped them take Peace's body to Crow Creek Road and set it on fire

Kenneth Padgett, 40, was convicted of first- and second-degree murder and tampering with evidence in the November 2001 death of Charlotte Miles. Prosecutors said Padgett suffocated Miles, 56, and entombed her in the breakfast nook of her trailer. He then rented out the trailer to an acquaintance, who found the body the next month.Padgett has denied killing Miles, saying she died of natural causes

She was on disability. She had things wrong with her, including a really bad case of acid reflux -- a terrible "burping, belching problem."

It took about five weeks for Miles' decomposing body to ooze through a corner of her kitchen tomb, leaking red-yellow fluid with a "horrific stench" onto the floor.

this is sick...this is in "D Magazine" this month, a magazine that focuses just on listing the best salons in dallas

BEST BOTOX
Alan Stone Salon
8220 Westchester Dr., Ste. C 214-987-9799

Aside from getting the usual cuts and color, clients get together at this Preston Center salon for regular Botox parties, and the salon’s resident plastic surgeon offers free monthly seminars and consultations.

Labor started sometime on Wednesday afternoon. Abby started feeling something and she called me up at work to ask me to come home early, if I could. I knew what this was about, so I let my colleagues at work know what was going on and quickly scooted home. When I got home, Abby seemed to be in pretty good shape. The contractions weren't really bothering her, and they seemed to be pretty far apart. Just in case, we called the Birth Home around 7:30 just to check in and they basically told us we can come in if we want. But, if Abby thinks it's still early then we should get some rest. Since the contractions were really far apart and not very intense, we stayed home. It was nearly [first child] Angel's bedtime, so we all went to bed. Abby promised to wake me up if anything was going to happen.

Around midnight, Abby woke me up and said "They're pretty intense now." We called the Birth Home and said we were coming in. But then Abby timed the contractions and they were between 7 and 10 minutes apart so she thought we should wait. We called the Birth Home and told them. They said not to worry, but we could come in if we wanted to. The rule of thumb is to call when the contractions are 5 minutes apart. We weren't there yet, so we went back to bed.

From this point on, the details get fuzzy, for reasons that are about to become obvious.

Around 1:45, Abby woke me up again and said, "I need to poop." While on the toilet, she had a contraction. 7 minutes later, she had another. So far so good. Then, she had another contraction 3 minutes later. Time to worry. She skipped the "5 minutes apart" rule altogether. 3 minutes later, another contraction. As this contraction passed, she turned to me and said, "This baby's coming now."

Then, she groaned for the first time that night as her water broke.

I, of course, panicked.

I ran 3 or 4 times from the toilet to the bed. After I got that out of my system, I called the Birth Home. They asked me how Abby was doing. Abby said, "I can feel the baby's head." They told me, "You're not going to make it. Hang up. Call 9-1-1."

The following is a rough approximation of my conversation with the 9-1-1 dispatcher:

"9-1-1 emergency dispatcher. How can I help you?"

"My wife is having a baby."

"How far along is she?"

"She can feel the baby's head."

"Is she lying down"

"No, She's on the toilet."

"You need to get her off the toilet and have her lie down on the floor. You don't want the baby to end up in the toilet."

I turned to Abby and said, "Hunny, you need to get off the toilet."

Abby squatted on the floor.

"Now apply pressure on the birth canal to keep the baby from coming out."

"Umm, the baby's head is out now."

"Okay. You're going to have to deliver this baby. Is your wife lying down now?"

"No. She's kinda squatting."

"She really needs to lie down on the floor. You don't want to drop the baby on its head."

I turned to Abby and firmly said, "Hunny, you NEED TO LIE DOWN!"

Abby leaned back on her hands behind her, but was technically still squatting. It was good enough for me.

"Okay. Hold on to the baby's head so it doesn't fall. Now find a clean cloth and clear the baby's mouth so it can breath." This was a very difficult request for me, since it was hard to hold a phone, the baby's head, and a towel at the same time. I used my finger instead of a cloth.

Less than a minute after Makayla's head came out, the rest of her body followed. The 9-1-1 dispatcher told me to wrap her up in a clean towel. The phone slipped out. I think it was at this point that I screamed at the dispatcher that I couldn't hold the phone and do all these things at the same time. She told me to put the phone to my shoulder. I tried leaving the phone on the floor and put my head down on it. It didn't work too well. Eventually, I figured out that I needed to hand the baby to Abby. Then, the dispatcher told me to look for a piece of string or a shoelace to tie off the umbilical cord. There were no shoes around, and I'm not much into sewing. Instead, I used a piece of extra wide dental floss.

About this time, the paramedics arrived. I ran downstairs, open the door, and ran back upstairs without waiting for the five firemen and paramedics from the Hillsborough Fire Department. After finishing the job that I started and taking some information from me, they took Abby and Makayla to Mills Peninsula hospital in Burlingame.

And Angel slept through the whole thing.

This picture ran on the front page of the sports section in the Morning News the day after the US beat Mexico, 1-0, at the Cotton Bowl in an exhibition soccer match...This thing is hilarious on a couple of fronts...First, check out the white dude on the bottom right trying to teach a [Latino] how to properly salute the flag...Second, and I can't believe this didn't get cropped out, the sign on the bottom left is simply genius....CJM